I have friends.

I have friends that I know will always be my friends. But what happened? I can no longer to speak to them in same way. And even with those close friends that I have known for forever, I can't connect with them anymore.

I took a break for a year. I let one huge fight with my friend(s) push me away from them. I was afraid of screwing up again. We still talked, but the relationships were working backwards. After the fight, we didn't know each other anymore. So many lines were overstepped, and we had to just could not recognize each other after that.

For one whole year, I shoved myself into a corner, scared to start over. I was scared to find out who my friends were, because they obviously weren't the same and the connection was lost. I was scared to find out who I was. This will sound selfish, but I was afraid my new self would not accept my friends, or my friends would not accept me.

I was afraid enough to let us die.

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We all sit at the same lunch table now. My friends were able to relearn how to be friends, and to mend the connection. They're resting each other's heads on shoulders. They're being so god damn intimate.

No one would even dare touching me. I'm off limits. I'm an outsider.

These were the friends who I shared my life with. We were those friends who always knew when something was wrong. We were those friends who shared clothes, who talked about boys, who did each other's hair.

I don't have friends like that anymore. I don't have a group of people I can really connect with. I'm a drifter. I feel unwanted. I made a mistake.

But I still have to try.
At least, for something...