[delineationary]

so refreshing.

2009-12-22T07:02:03Z

...But I want to do something with all of this freedom. It's nice to take a few hours every morning to sleep in, and a few minutes to just sit and relax. Only, sitting here, on winter break, all I want to do is get up and do something. I'm tired of being tired, and the reason for that is sitting around and doing nothing. Seriously, for about a week last summer I had leg pains for not using them enough. I don't want that to happen again (for one, because it's painful) and for two, because I hate living with the feeling that I'm wasting my life.

I can only be a teenager for so long. Part of me can't wait to graduate and move out, but I know after that, I won't ever be able to live like this again. I HAVE freedom right now; much more than I realized, and I want to use it.

so this is once again to catch up...

2009-12-07T23:56:42Z

DAY 02 ❤ your favorite movie
Can't help but love old Disney movies. :)

The Lion King

DAY 03 ❤ your favorite television program
Seeing all the different eras within a program like this is amazing.

Cold Case

DAY 04 ❤ your favorite book
Another hard one... Hmm. Okay, fine, so far, this:

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

to get me posting more....

2009-12-05T00:52:09Z

One every day, until next year!
I'll just make today the first day, as I'm skipping the 'photos of myself' days.
There's a reason this LJ is anonymous...

DAY 01 ❤ your favorite song.
And the first one has to be the hardest. *Sigh* If I must choose:

"Supa Shoppa" - Blur

DAY 01 ❤ your favorite song
DAY 02 ❤ your favorite movie
DAY 03 ❤ your favorite television program
DAY 04 ❤ your favorite book
DAY 05 ❤ your favorite quote
DAY 06 ❤ whatever tickles your fancy
DAY 07 ❤ a photo that makes you happy
DAY 08 ❤ a photo that makes you angry/sad
DAY 09 ❤ a photo you took
DAY 10 ❤ a photo of you taken over ten years ago
DAY 11 ❤ a photo of you taken recently
DAY 12 ❤ whatever tickles your fancy
DAY 13 ❤ a fictional book
DAY 14 ❤ a non-fictional book
DAY 15 ❤ a fanfic
DAY 16 ❤ a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
DAY 17 ❤ an art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
DAY 18 ❤ whatever tickles your fancy
DAY 19 ❤ a talent of yours
DAY 20 ❤ a hobbie of yours
DAY 21 ❤ a recipe
DAY 22 ❤ a website
DAY 23 ❤ a youtube video
DAY 24 ❤ whatever tickles your fancy
DAY 25 ❤ your day, in great detail
DAY 26 ❤ your week, in great detail
DAY 27 ❤ this month, in great detail
DAY 28 ❤ this year, in great detail
DAY 29 ❤ hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
DAY 30 ❤ whatever tickles your fancy

delineationary @ 2009-11-25T17:35:00

2009-11-26T01:35:55Z

Sipping this cup of tea, I can feel my breath free up. The heat drops to my intestines and my insides tingle. A cup of tea can only warm you up so much. Yes, it travels to your fingertips and back, it makes its way to the surface to soften the skin, it makes the blood rush to the back of your ears. But, it can't reach those abstract and sensitive places that need warmth and are rarely touched.
But, it is the closest digestible cure.

i bet everyone does though...

2009-11-25T23:41:35Z

I have this image of myself. I know everyone has an image of themselves that they're working towards, but I can actually SEE this. If only I had a bit more money...

My face is there. I'd still be incredibly short, but say if just put on the right clothes, and my hair looked less frizzy naturally, then I would be good to go. This can and does happen. But when I'm satisfied in the morning, walk out the door, and come home six hours later, I look like I just woke up. After being sick. With the flu.

What the fuck happens to me during the day?!

delineationary @ 2009-11-24T20:21:00

2009-11-25T04:21:49Z

Turkey weekend is my weekend.

Except not. I have so much to do, and most of it are things that I myself have committed to do. The other half is stupid shit that my parents want to do. To be honest, I just want to leave church alone for a time, but I know that they would never let me do that. (Also, I was baptized just last Easter.) Just goes to show how fast religion can become bullshit to the teenage mind.

I'm thinking, maybe if I get a bit more sleep during the night, it might help to cure my insanity.

(But I bet that's a first step to the asylum.)

disorientation

2009-11-24T02:57:15Z

I don't know what's been wrong with me lately.
At least, not exactly.

Someone erased my programming. I'm slowing down. My battery's running out. Cords are snapping. I am losing control over my body. But where's the manual? Where's my instructions? I'm forgetting how to operate.

I am going insane, I know it. I can now truly say that my mind is lost somewhere between now and years past, but I'm still trying to hold on to the thin fibers that are ripping away with each day. My soul is wearing thin, and my body is following close behind.

I haven't been able to sleep lately. And by sleep, I mean fall asleep. I can't control my brain, and for a mind that's been lost, I can't seem to turn it off. Every time I close my eyes there's a ringing in the back of them that won't go away. I'm cold constantly, and though my skin is warm, my bones feel numb when I try to move.

Everything comes in flashes. Every time I turn my head, my vision has to race to catch up. My buffer bar is too slow. The audio isn't synchronized with the visual. I can't focus. I'm in another world.

(shrug)

2009-11-19T04:43:30Z

I have friends.

I have friends that I know will always be my friends. But what happened? I can no longer to speak to them in same way. And even with those close friends that I have known for forever, I can't connect with them anymore.

I took a break for a year. I let one huge fight with my friend(s) push me away from them. I was afraid of screwing up again. We still talked, but the relationships were working backwards. After the fight, we didn't know each other anymore. So many lines were overstepped, and we just could not recognize each other after that.

For one whole year, I shoved myself into a corner, scared to start over. I was scared to find out who my friends were, because they obviously weren't the same and the connection was lost. I was scared to find out who I was. This will sound selfish, but I was afraid my new self would not accept my friends, or my friends would not accept me.

I was afraid enough to let us die.

--------------------------------------

We all sit at the same lunch table now. My friends were able to relearn how to be friends, and to mend the connection. They're resting each other's heads on shoulders. They're being so god damn intimate.

No one would even dare touching me. I'm off limits. I'm an outsider.

These were the friends who I shared my life with. We were those friends who always knew when something was wrong. We were those friends who shared clothes, who talked about boys, who did each other's hair.

I don't have friends like that anymore. I don't have a group of people I can really connect with. I'm a drifter. I feel unwanted. I made a mistake.

But I still have to try.
At least, for something...

delineationary @ 2009-11-04T13:19:00

2009-11-04T21:27:15Z

You're calling my name from a few chairs back, but I don't respond. My headphones are in my ears, and even though I hear you, I pretend that I don't. I don't want to listen to you right now, because I know that what I answer with will mean nothing to you. You ask me questions only to prove to the people around us that you talk, but you're not interested in getting to know me. You only hear what I say. I don't want to talk to you if I have to fight through your facade. Just be real with me. It'll help us both.

(sigh)

2009-10-31T00:05:52Z

I wish I could look at least average naturally.

That is all.

i've come to a decision (sort of)

2009-10-30T02:50:23Z

NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is starting in two days. I just discovered what it is, and I was thinking about trying it, but I've realized that I definitely won't have time to do fricken 50,000 words (due to school and such). So, instead, I'm willing to do about 100 pages in about two months. (This is still a working plan.)

I don't know, maybe I'm too scared to commit myself to something like that, as I've been trying to find a job and what not. (I know, living at my computer wouldn't be a good idea then, huh?) But I do want to start writing. A LOT more than I have been. (Which isn't much.)

blur: can't stop listening

2009-10-26T04:46:44Z

Blur
[Alex, Damon, Graham, Dave]

I discovered this band a while ago, but right now, I'm having a little overdose on their music. They're Blur (Britpop from the nineties).

Go listen to their music here!

at a stand-still

2009-10-25T05:01:18Z

First of all:
"Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?"
--- Kurt Vonnegut
This quote makes me feel so guilty...
but it also makes me want to write.

And secondly, I've been searching for a job lately. I'm only sixteen, and landing my first job is kinda hard since I don't have a car. I don't know what my plans are for the future (in terms of careers), but I thought I should at least start earning and saving money for whatever it will be.

But, however young I am, I am graduating from high school next year, and I have NO PLANS! A lot of people I've talked to don't know what they're going to do either, but at this point, it's scaring me.

I don't feel like I'm living the life of a sixteen year old. I feel like I should be becoming more independent, when in fact, I haven't felt so tied to my parents in my life. I come home, day after day, and do the same things. It's like I'm living in the present and only the present, and I'm going nowhere. Just walking down a narrow hallway, and the lights are out on the other end...

Well, I guess that kind of cured my writer's block for a bit.
Where's my pencil and some paper...?

Writer's Block: Take the pain away

2009-10-25T01:13:16Z

If you could say anything you want to the person who has hurt you most in life, what would it be? Did you ever confront them? Why or why not?

Submitted By secret_berry49

View 1529 Answers

There was no reason for what you did. Everyone already loved you. Everyone already called you the "better version of me". I was supposedly your friend, but in reality, I was just a pawn to you, as well as to everyone else.

The only group of people that I thought I was connected with was out to get me from the very start, and you were their ringleader.
I don't know who you are now because I haven't talked to you in years. But, if I ever find the will to forgive you, it will be hard.

humans vs. flies

2009-10-20T23:48:46Z

Humans claim to be the most advanced and coherent creatures of Earth. We're innovators. We created skyscrapers. We possess the ability and curiosity to analyze other species. We matter.

However, we find flies on the other end of the spectrum. Primitive, living lives that to us seem useless and widely bothersome. They breed and die within the span of a day. They offer nothing to the world. They simply take up space in the food chain, multiply, and eat our leftovers.

But we humans can do so much more. We can read. We can write. We created the television. We figured out how to build a fire. We created the computer. We can cook. We can do mathematics. We've organized. We've created politics. We can blackmail. We fight till the death. We can wage war. We murder. We can feel.

Not to say that other animals don't have emotion. But we feel too much. Other creatures of the same species fight to claim mates, but they don't kill each other in the process. They know when to stop. And no one had to tell them.

We know too much. In fact we argue with each other about what is true. We go back and forth trying to refine our knowledge, when in some cases we will never agree.

So who wins in this situation? The flies, who only live to die? Or the humans, who live to feel and only to feel?
How do you win in such a thing as life?

substitute or babysitter?

2009-10-18T04:26:10Z

The only reason that they call in substitute teachers is to babysit a class. Nothing gets done, and we're only given worksheets or other useless assignments. I don't understand why teachers can't even give us something productive to do while they're gone.

It's all just busy-work.

And on the the subject of busy-work, I don't understand why they give it out. We're wasting time doing homework that's assigned only because teachers think it best to give us homework everyday. That's one of the big things about high school that i just can't stand. at least in college it's a little more free.

uuuggghhh

2009-03-14T23:16:53Z

Don't you hate that feeling of combined illnesses all at the same time. Like... the cold making your muscles all hurt, and then your PERIOD, and THEN altogether just having a cold. It sucks, and thats what going on right now with me.... I know, short post about something pointless, but I'm in a lot of pain right now and I wanted to say something about it. T_T

something new

2009-01-31T00:34:42Z

I just started my new guitar class this week. So far, the class has been slightly boring, but I'm looking forward to a time filled with new knowledge and possible talent. It has really inspired me to actually pick up the instrument and it give a try. Something finally kick-started my inspiration to learn it, once again. Let's just say that I'm optimistic about it.

Writer's Block: Gone but Not Forgotten

2008-12-04T22:49:27Z

Many beloved television shows are no longer with us, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Six Feet Under, and Mystery Science Theater 3000. What defunct television show do you miss the most?

View 501 Answers

Not that I miss it or anything (it was a poorly written show), but what ever happened to "Surface" on (i believe) NBC? I always wondered whether or not they meant to air a second season, but were bought out by "Heroes" or something...?

haha, fuck this!

2008-11-13T23:26:11Z

Through experience, I've realized it's best to go about life not really taking it seriously. By life I mean school, and by school, I mean homework. Sure, I realize its importance, and for the most part, do what I need to. But really, if you think "only after I do everything, i can do something more interesting" then you've got a problem. If that's your plan, you're going to end up working all of the time, because work never goes away or gets easier. So, if you think "maybe if I just get through this" you'll never have time for the great things in life, because if you try to do everything, you won't get through.

Whew.

I don't know if any of that made any sense, but if it does, and you agree, then my job here is done.
:)

When I used to know you so well...

2008-10-04T19:22:53Z

The brand new Paramore song called "Decode" for the new Twilight soundtrack caught me by surprise in more than one way. Yes, I do believe that it describes the tension between Bella and Edward very accurately, but after listening to it for a while, I found that it relates to my life in an unusual way. (Except for a few lines, obviously.)

The song kind of reminds me of what's going on between my friends and I. After a while, I and two of my very best friends started to drift apart. It began with little things, like not answering the phone, but it escaladed into big, drama filled fights. Ever since I started going to church, and really taking my religion seriously, the already noticeable tension began to rise. We were so close, and confided everything in each other, but now that's all gone.

It scares me that part of that may have been the cause of my new found faith. I never thought that we would let something like that tear us apart the way that it has.

We still talk to each other as friends, and say "Hi" when we pass each other in the halls, but it really isn't the same as before. I always thought that we would be what we were forever, but what's happened between us has completely changed my mind.

More thoughts on inferiority (I try not to...)

2008-09-27T18:15:51Z

Our praise team at my church really isn't the greatest.

However, we have been working on it. I know a lot is going to change in the near future, I just don't know what my part in all of it will be. We've got some inspiration from other churches, but I just don't seem to have the talent to remain in this new team. I know they'll keep me, but I can't help but think that someone else could be more qualified, and if I'm really making a difference at all...

sometimes i just can't (EDIT)

2008-09-13T02:17:09Z

I started school again about two weeks ago. This year I'm taking a fitness class to knock off a few PE credits. Today we did a diagnostic strength test that involved benching a 45 lb. weight.

I'm a female student, 15 years old, about 4' 10" tall and a little over 85 pounds. According to my doctor, I am perfectly healthy, my weight is proportionate to my height, and I eat well. And I'm still growing. I was just born a bit smaller than everyone else, that's all.

It came up to my turn, and I could only lift the weight once. I tried repeatedly, but I could barely do anything without the spotters' help. It was honestly the very best that I could do. The score, when we take the actual test at the end of the semester, requires about 35 reps. seeing everyone else's scores, it pretty much brought me to tears.

Sometimes, during things like this in my life, I feel utterly inferior. Sometimes I just can't do what the average person my age can, and it hurts in more ways than I thought it would.

Edit: I'd just like to mention, by the end of that class, I was able to bench 30 reps. Not that it didn't hurt at first, and not that things won't hurt for you, but this made me realize that some things aren't impossible. Think about that the next time you feel hopeless.

Anime Splurge

2008-08-29T00:49:43Z

So i just started the anime (and manga) called Vampire Knight yesterday. I really like it so far. I've been reading the manga (on onemanga.com) and watching the anime (on veoh.com) and it's turned out to be the one of the most intricate storylines I've ever come across. My favorite character (so far) has got to be zero. i don't know, Kaname just kinda pisses me off sometimes. You know what i mean?

However, the best anime I've seen so far (keep in mind I haven't seen very many) is Blood+. Very bloodly (as you'd assume), and the concept is amazing. The cutest has got to be Ouran High School Host Club though. It's about girl who looks like a guy, who owes money, and pays off that money buy acting like a guy. How can you get any better than that?

itunes survey (looked interesting)

2008-08-25T23:08:44Z

My life through itunes shuffle

Family
What do i think of my mother?: Everything Is Beautiful
What do i think of my father?: Java Jive (Na Leo)
What describes my siblings?: Feel Good Inc.
Did I have a happy childhood?: Friends (Na Leo)
What kind of person was I?: I Want Candy
High School
What was high school like?: Circle
Was I a good student?: Bright Future In Sales
Did I party a lot?: Pressure
Love
what describes my first love?: False Alarm
Do I have a boyfriend/Girlfriend?: I Wish You Knew
Do I like someone?: Another Day
Life
What was today like?: What's My Age Again
What are most days like?: Look What You've Done
Whats my life like?: Savin' Me
What is in store for this weekend?: Son Of God
What song describes my parents?: Franklin
How is my life going?: Whoa
Do i act my age?: Guilty Pleasure
What song will they play at my funeral?: Flying With Angels (Na Leo)
Wedding?: You're Still The One
How does the world see me?: To Be Loved
Will I have a happy life?: Hallelujah
What do my friends really think of me?: Never Let This Go
Do people secretly lust after me?: Love's Not A Competition
How can I make myself happy?: I Will Go
Whats my family think of me?: This Is Your Life
What should I do with my life?: Let The Flames Begin
What is my signature dancing song?: Shake It (Metrostation)
What do I think my current theme song is?: Story Of A Girl
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?: Born For This
What is my life theme song?: We Are Broken
What best describes my life?: Papercut
What best describes my friends?: Let You Down (3DG)
What best describes the person i like?: Stop This Song
Have you had sex?: Adore
How will you die?: A Thousand Miles
What describes my worst enemy?: Just Like You
Do i enjoy life?: Love Is The Reversal
Am i a good person?: Unashamed
Do i make others happy?: Just Like Me

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